a mission worth dying for.

She walked slowly at first, ignoring the brisk wind that slapped her coat around her, her sneakers making the cracked sidewalk sound like eggshells. Her heartbeat was in her ears and pumped furiously into her fingertips and she asked herself again if this was a good idea. Loud sirens and angry car motors whipped around her face, burrowing into her ears, implanting themselves in her thoughts. She breathed deeply, exhaling loudly and touched the pack of cigarettes her pocket held for her. She touched her other pocket, looking for the green Hula girl lighter she hoped it still held. It did. She took out both, ripping the cellophane off of the box's outside, and crunched the foil that stood between her and the package's contents. Flick the lighter, pull on the cigarette, exhale, she reminded herself firmly. Her hands shook against the cigarette's filter and she drowned out the whispers in her head telling her to turn back with the rhythm of her fresh sneakers against the gravelly sidewalk, listening for the inevitable scrape that would tell her she of course was nervous, as though the sound of her heart in her ears wasn't enough. She put her mind back to waking up that morning, her balcony door open and the crashing waves cooling her heated thoughts, the way the sheets and he held her carefully, and how the stillness vaguely reminded her of the streetlights flickering glow on the benches below. There was something else, but she couldn't remember what it was. She remembered hearing the phone ringing, his low voice asking her collarbone what time it was, and then the voice on the answering machine, the same voice that had forced this adventure upon her. She chuckled to herself. Adventure. Yeah, you could call it that. She walked faster now, reaching to her back pocket to retrieve the slip of crumpled paper that explained her final destination, and told her she wasn't far. She flicked her cigarette into the busy street with the resounding snap of her fingernail. A shiver shot down her back from her shoulders all the way to her tailbone, and she reluctantly started up the stairs. The door creaked open, the same way her mind was creaking open to let in the realization of what she was doing, and it slammed against her back; forcing her and the realization inside. The round plastic impressions in the floor were meant to give the walker traction, but instead reminded her of a pirate ship. The deck swabbing, the clink of the rum bottles, and the constant taste of greasiness behind the molars. Brazenly, she proceeded to the desk, and a woman resembling a dinosaur asked for her name and purpose. She set her backpack down softly, hearing the weight inside shift. The drought in her throat only allowed her to croak, "These." She unzipped her backpack slowly, letting the sound echo through the room. She plunged her hands inside, knowing it was too late to run, and pulled out the contents, flinching as she placed them in front of Dinosaur Lady. Dinosaur Lady pulled the stack toward her, and opened the top one. "Overdue, I see." She spoke over the top of her glasses. "I'm sorry. I just had to know what happened in the end." She fumbled in her coat pocket until she found a five dollar bill. "You can keep the change." She placed it on top of the stack and grabbed her backpack, on the defense. Dinosaur Lady smiled, a smile that seemed like it might crack the dry skin that surrounded the hot pink lipstick. "It's okay, darling. We all forget to return books sometimes. Nothing we'll take your library card away for, though." She smiled back, and followed the exit sign back to the safety of the sidewalk, and away from the chaos of dinosaurs running a library.

-LBR